


Why don't you love yourself?

by TheDevil_InBlack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cutting, F/M, Near Death Experiences, References to Supernatural (TV), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 20:32:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDevil_InBlack/pseuds/TheDevil_InBlack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader and Cas are in a relationship. Reader has issues with self harm. Reader is under stress. I suck at summaries. This story is intense, and hits pretty close to home for me. Yeah. Just um..read if you want to. I think this is enough of a warning as to what's in the fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why don't you love yourself?

**Author's Note:**

> Y/N = Your name
> 
> Y/H/L = Your hair length
> 
> Y/H/C = Your hair color

It had been a long time coming really. For years Y/N had been bottling up her emotions, and when you do that, sooner or later you're bound to lose it. She'd been struggling with depression for quite a long time, not that anyone knew this however. Y/N wasn't exactly one to vocalize her feelings to other people. She felt it made them appear weak, and in this line of work, weakness had never been an option. 

You see, Y/N was a hunter. There's only so much some people can take of that lifestyle before it starts to get to them, and it should. No one should be used to killing. No one should get used to seeing everything that they see on a daily basis no matter how much of it they're exposed to. After a while, drinking had stopped working to numb the pain and stop the nightmares, and Y/N had discovered another kind of release. She'd started self harming. They hid it well enough, and most of the cuts and scars were in places no one would see. 

A few years back, not long after she'd started hunting things that went bump in the night, she'd met the Winchesters and their resident angel Castiel, or as the brothers called him, Cas. They'd worked a case together, and somehow Y/N had ended up a permanent member of team free will. Of course everything was more intense hanging around the Sam and Dean. There was far more demon and angel activity around them, and hell...they'd even had to deal with Lucifer himself. 

Through it all, Y/N put on a forced smile every day, did their job, and along the way ended up in a relationship with the angel in a trenchcoat. This wasn't a normal relationship though. Y/N was human, and Cas was an angel. 

As weird as it was that her boyfriend was this all powerful being, what she found weirder was the fact that Cas had chosen her to be the one that he was with in such a way. 

Y/N wasn't even that attractive, or so she thought. Her Y/H/L, Y/H/C hair always seemed to look disheveled, even when she tried her hardest to make it look nice. She always looked exhausted and she was slightly on the chubby side. Her only good qualities were that she were sort of funny, and had a big heart. Even though she had a lot of her own problems, she always tried to make everyone else feel better before she tried to do so for herself.

Y/N far from perfection, and she always thought silently that Cas deserved someone better than them. Still, he had stuck around in the relationship for a little over five years now, and over that time a lot had happened. Cas was defiantly able to understand, and display more human emotions, and he was a great partner.. but sometimes it seemed like he was distancing himself, or that he was just to busy to spend time with her. 

Y/N knew that Cas had other things to be doing. Important things that of course took priority over all else, but she couldn't help but hate it anyway. 

It was currently one of those unfortunate instances. Cas was dealing with the whole Dean being a demon thing with Sam, and Y/N had been doing her best to help figure out what to do about that and everyone was getting absolutely nowhere. God, this was all so frustrating, and it was causing some pretty intense tension between everyone. 

It was late one Friday night, and Y/N found herself sitting on the bathroom floor on one of the bathrooms in the bunker at one am with a bottle of half drunken burden. It was safe to say that She was not the happiest of drunks. In fact, drinking usually made the problems and emotions that she kept inside feel so much worse, but that didn't stop her from doing it anyway. It seemed like the only way to make them surface so that she could deal with them anymore.

Y/N stared at the liquid sloshing around inside of the glass with a frown and sighed. Where the hell was Cas anyway? Oh right. Out somewhere looking for a way to cure Dean without her. At least he could have invited Y/N go along. The bunker was far too quiet, and Sam was becoming obsessed with finding Dean...again, so there was no use trying to talk to him about anything.

This thought made Y/N upset, and she chucked the bottle of liquor at the far wall, causing it to shatter, and glass to spread out across the floor. In the dim lighting, the shards looked like glowing stars. It was so tempting to just...pick one up, which she did, and Y/N found themselves falling back into their old habit of cutting themselves to take away some of the pain. This was something they hadn't done in multiple months, and it was a shame to break that streak, but they didn't care at that moment. Their judgement was clouded by the alcohol. 

Now, being drunk and handling sharp objects in such a way was a really terrible idea, and Y/N accidentally cut too deep, causing blood to start flowing from her wrist. She immediately realized she'd made a huge mistake, and she were probably going to die. This was stupid, and no one was there to save Y/N from their inevitable fate. Would Sam or Cas come in eventually to find her dead on the floor, slouched against the toilet? That was a terrible way to die...

"Fuck...oh God..Oh God please..." Y/N muttered as her vision started to blur and go black. Y/N knew she was losing too much blood too fast. "SAM!" she yelled as loud as she possibly could, which wasn't very loud. "Sam..fuck.. Help!" Y/N didn't have much strength, but she still tried to crawl across the broke glass, making things so much worse for herself, in a futile attempt to reach the towel hanging on the wall in order to stop some of the bleeding. 

That was when the bathroom door burst open, and Sam stood in the doorway. He immediately saw all the blood spreading across the floor, and cursed. He'd heard Y/N's distress calls, and He'd gone up to see what was going on. He picked her up, and Y/N heard him speaking, but it sounded so far away. "Hold on Y/N. Just hold on." It couldn't end like this. That was the last thought going through their head before they blacked out.


End file.
